I believe that God’s plan is always better than mine!
When I was growing up in Louisiana, I had the perfect life! At least I had the illusion of a perfect life. Who really knows what was going on in the real world? You know… the world that exists where adults have their own lives? The life that parents do not let their children into until they are older? I was perfectly happy in my own world of living with a father whom I thought was the most amazing man on the planet, and a mother that had the most beautiful smile in the world.
I can still feel her arms around me when she would hug me and tell me that she loved me. I can still see her riding the horses in the arena. If I close my eyes and try really hard, I can even sometimes remember what she smelled like.
Life was bliss up until the horrible night that she was killed. In one horrific night she was gone! She was taken from both my perfect world, and the world in which she and every other adult lived in. In one split second, both worlds were turned upside down.
I do not remember very much about my life in the next five or six years that followed after her death. I literally walked around in shock for several years while her story was being told in a courtroom full of jurors. My father eventually sold everything we owned and moved us to another state in order to run away from the publicity that surrounded our lives. My life was literally ripped from me, and I felt all alone in this world.
I seriously thought my life was over! As if losing my mother the way I did wasn’t enough, I lost my home, my friends, my family, my horses… everything! My very existence was threatened. And I behaved horribly! I lashed out at my father, who was doing the best he could at the time.
In one miserable night, I was introduced to that world in which adults live. You know, the one that parents try so desperately to protect their children from?
I spent the next twenty years after her death walking around trying to figure out who I was. Let me just tell you that figuring out who you are is not an easy task when you are alone. I pushed away everyone who tried to get close to me. I destroyed every relationship I was in… including my relationship with my father and my family.
It wasn’t until I became a wife and a mother that I began to heal. I carried around that grief for over twenty years. I almost fell into the trap that many people fall into when they experience a traumatic event. I almost let the events of that night define who I am as a person.
I used to pray at night and ask God why He would let this happen? Why would He allow my mother to be taken from me so violently and so suddenly? And as the years went by, I never really knew the answer.
I now know that God had a plan, and His plan was much greater than mine. I now know that the events that I experienced all those years surrounding the death of my mother were events that led me to where I am today. And while it totally sucks that I had to go through that, I wholeheartedly can say that I would not change what happened. Yes I miss my mother. And yes I wish that she could have met her grandchildren. But it was necessary for me to experience what I did in order for me to continue moving forward with God’s plan!
I truly believe in God’s plan, and that I am a vessel in which He chooses to use to carry out that plan. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God never left my side all those years. Big things are coming. I know where He is leading me. I simply need to just stop letting fear control me.
This I Truly Believe… We do not have to allow tragedy to define us! We do not have to let it ruin our lives. We can dig down deep within that tragedy and pain to pull out all the good! And we can actually use it to fuel us to achieve greatness! I now know where God has been leading me all these years. And I hope to share that plan with you very soon!